hippie!

The other day I was walking home from work, and as I was crossing at a cross-walk, I heard this woman's voice yell out from behind me, saying, "hippie!" So, I flashed the peace sign over my shoulder as I kept walking. The voice changed a bit and yelled out, "peace, man!" So I looked over my shoulder at them (there were two women driving the car) and smiled as I flashed the 'v' again.

People have been comparing me to a hippie quite a bit, recently. You see, it's because of my hair and what I do with it. I've been growing my hair long again, wanting to have a nice pony-tail length once more in my life. But I've been keeping it loose, for the most part, in the meantime. I also have let my beard grow, and so I look like a hippie. Then, last week, I was goofing around and put a belt around my head like a headband. I liked it, and so I went out and bought some bandanas (actually, a friend bought them for me). Now I really look like a hippie.

friendship post

So I said a while back that I would post more about friendship, since I've been thinking about it quite a bit recently.

Well, because of circumstances I've had recently, I've come to realize that friendships are more valuable than I've been treating them. So, I've been trying to rebuild ones that have faded, and salvage ones which, under other circumstances, turned bad. For the most part, it's going well. Some of my friendships are staying the same, which is good, and some are improving. But, there's one which I'm just having a hard time with. When we're around each other, there's just this uneasy silence, which I think stems from me not wanting to talk about serious things, and my friend not wanting to make small talk. It's no good. I'm not willing to talk about serious things because of how they're treated, so I'm afraid that this one's going to fade away.

But that makes me wonder if I should try to do things differently. I don't think it's worth it, frankly, and I think that would offend this friend. Recently, I've been trying to be myself more, and as I've thought about who I am, it's made me realize that I'm just not myself around certain people, and I can't be myself around them. If I can't be myself, then...well, I guess I need to focus elsewhere.

That makes me wonder about Christians being friends, and what exactly friendship is, because, as a Christian, I'm willing to sacrifice for all sorts of people I don't like, but that doesn't mean I like them, and it doesn't mean I'll get along with them. So then what is friendship? Jesus said, "you are my friends if you do what I command you," but that only applies to Him. He also said that the greatest love is someone laying down their life for their friend.

I guess none of that really is shedding light on friendship for me. The best I can say is that friendship is finding things in common and sharing them. I mean, that's how I get people to open up when I'm trying to relate to them in the workplace. Customers will mention something and if I'm able to relate or to share a common interest, then it eases things. So, with people who are good friends, I share more common interests, and feel the same way about things, and relate well. And when those things aren't there, well, I just don't hang around them very often. Of course, I'm by myself a lot of the time, so "not very often" for me is almost never for others. There's also the aspect of being comfortable around people, which, for me, is being able to be goofy, to act as weird as I want, to be able to do my accents and act crazy, and not care about it. Even to have the other person go along with me.

So, in light of all that, I guess I don't have any really good friends right now. I don't have anyone who really relates to me and understands where I'm coming from. I don't have anyone who I can relate to in the same way, and that makes me kind of sad. Of course, I'm also trying to find who I am, and not being stable just makes that harder. I'm mostly content to be a loner, though, so that's good.

That's about all I have to say on the topic right now. I'm afraid it wasn't as structured as I'd like, but I think I got my thoughts down well enough. Maybe I'll have more later.

conspiracy

At work today, my coworkers started talking about relationships, and of course it got around to me, why I'm not dating anyone currently, speculation about why my girlfriend and I aren't dating anymore, how I should act with women, etc.. Well, at times I would put in my input, and at times I would be away from them doing work, but they kept talking about it. One of the times, I was telling my opinion about something or other, or saying something about women, and I realized that this woman I know from my church was standing nearby, listening in. I said something about it, and she kind of laughed and joined in, saying something about trying to think of people at church I might date. Man. Well, later on, I overheard my coworkers (the women) talking with my church friend and conspiring to get me dating. One of the main currents is that I'm such a nice guy. It's nice, in a way, to hear people say that I'm nice, but usually, both in my own experience and by what I hear from others, women aren't interested in 'nice' guys.

Geh, do women just like to conspire about that kind of thing? I mean, I'm not even sure that all my coworkers like me all that much, but as soon as they get a chance to be involved in some sort of a hook-up, well, they're right in on it.

optimism

I was thinking about my optimism in relationships just now, as I was walking home. I'm beginning to notice that I get pretty hopeful when I'm dating a girl, and some of my judgment is clouded. It helps to have good communication, which I've had and I think has saved me from further distress, but it's not everything. There's just something about having clear judgment, and I guess I don't have it in relationships. I think I need to have someone, a third party, who I can be open about and who I trust, who will be willing to tell me if they think I'm not making wise decisions. I've already got somebody in mind, but I need to make sure that next time I actually do this.

'blog'

Ok, wouldn't you think that the word 'blog' would be in the spelling dictionary for the blogger website? Well, it isn't. When I went to spellcheck my last post, it stopped at every instance of the word and asked me if I wanted to replace it with the word 'bloc'. Duh! I'm writing a blog, not living in a communist country. It's just weird.

P.S. It just did it for this post, too.

100th post!

Yay, it's my 100th post! On top of that, I've lasted longer than a year. Sometimes when I'm looking around the 'blogosphere', I find blogs which are quite short-lived. Well, I may not write as frequently as others, but I've been around for a while. I find writing here somewhat therapeutic, so that's good. I know I've had some friends look at this blog from time to time, but I'm pretty sure I've got no regular readers. The only responses I've gotten have been blog spam. So who am I writing to? I don't know. To you, whoever you are. It gives me a different way to write, which is good.

insecure

I almost always am very insecure about my musicianship. I lack confidence. But the truth is that I'm a good musician. People tell me this often, in fact. People who I consider to be better musicians than myself. And yet, I can never seem to gain confidence about my playing, and I never seem to take the compliments well. I've been playing some sort of music for around 20 years now, and what I consider to be my main instrument for over 12 years. I play regularly at church, which is at least twice a month in front of around 1000 people, and I write songs. But I get nervous when I need to do certain things, and I'm not satisfied with my songwriting. So, what do I do? I don't know. The best I can come up with is to just do it more, and the more I do it, the more I'll get used to it. But for now, I'm still insecure.

16 blocks

Ok, I'm still up too late, but I've got to post a couple thoughts about this movie, 16 Blocks, before I forget.

I just bought the new DVD for 16 Blocks, which boasts on the front cover, "Including an alternate ending never before seen in theaters." I have to admit, that advertising played a part in my purchasing the movie. It's mostly because I thought it was a good movie, but I did want to see what the alternate could be.

Well, the ending was good, but I won't spoil it. What struck me this time through the film (I had seen it in the theatre) was the idea that people can change. Early on in the movie, the criminal played by Mos Def is saying to the officer played by Bruce Willis something about how people can change. Of course, the officer doesn't believe anyone can change, and he himself just wants to get through with his own life to his death.

The movie explores the idea more, and in good ways, but seeing it made me think about how sometimes non-christians can get grace and change more than Christians. I have a pretty good time of giving grace to others, I think, but when it comes to myself, I'm so harsh. For some reason, I just have a very hard time giving myself grace, accepting change in myself. And there are places where I need to change, but it's just so hard sometimes.

Anyway, if this is true, what they say in the movie about people being able to change on their own, then how much more should I be able to change with the help of God. I mean, God is making a new work in me, making a new creation of me, so it should be possible to change. But sometimes it seems nearly impossible. *sigh* That's about it for now. I'm not going to be coming up with any conclusions right now, and I'm so tired that my mind probably isn't working right.

Good night.

more christmas

I'm staying up way to late tonight, but it's doing me good. You see, I'm listening to Christmas music, and that puts me in a good frame of mind. I've found this internet radio station on Shoutcast, actually, a couple different stations, and they just put me in a good mood.

Actually, it's got me thinking about Christmas, and I've come to realize that it's not about the gift-giving for me. It's so much about the spirit. That's why I've had such a hard time in the past working the holiday season in retail. When I work during the holidays, I'm exposed to so much anti-christmas spirit. People get so selfish when they're shopping for gifts. They don't think about the other people who are shopping, what they might want, or weather the gift they're fighting for, which might be only trivial to them, is the most important gift for the other person. And it's evident in the kids that they aren't taught much about giving, only receiving. I remember finding overhearing one kid saying, "when can we find what else I can get?"

So, for me, Christmas music is great. It conveys the spirit so well, and it doesn't require people shopping or thinking about the gift buying process. It's so much more about the spirit. And I always look forward to being with friends at Christmas.

I can't wait.

bad mind frame

Today at work I was in a bad frame of mind. I was cynical, and sarcastic, and critical. All just in my mind. Let me give an example: There's a new building going up in our parking lot, and we've gotten so many questions about it. For the longest time, we didn't even know what it was, but customers expected us to. That annoyed me. Now we know, and it still annoys me. Go figure. Today, a woman asked, "do you know what's going on in the parking lot?" I wanted to answer, "there putting up a building," but, of course, that would be sarcastic and rude and inappropriate, so I didn't say anything and let my coworker field the question. I also found myself being very critical of customers, just a bad frame of mind. It's hard for me to get out of when that happens. I still don't have a good way to get out.

bats

For the past couple of hours, there's been this bat hanging from the light fixture in this room. I'm usually writing from this room in the basement, which has a small window, and during the daytime I just leave the lights off and use the light form the sun, even though it's dim. Well, I guess that's why the bat has stayed there. I'm kind of suprised that I've not waken it with my moving about and typing and whatnot, but it's still sitting still on the ceiling. It's very small. And brown.

some sort of sick

Last night I made myself sick. When I got home, I was going to watch a movie, and so while I was watching I wanted something to be eating, so I poured myself a glass of whiskey and pulled out this bar of chocolate which I'd had sitting around for a while. Well, eating a whole big bar of chocolate (which, by the way, was I think the best milk chocolate I've ever had, something from Switzerland) along with whiskey doesn't really go together. At one point, I almost thought I was going to throw up. I didn't, but that never feels good. And then all night I couldn't stay still or get comfortable, so I was tossing and turning, and I even switched beds, but to no avail. Not fun at all. And now I'm still feeling a bit weird. Man.

what the f***!

The other day I was over at my brother's house after we had gotten done with a movie. We were about to head out to a couple of stores and I was standing next to his car in the driveway. This kid rode by on his bike and was looking at me as he rode toward us. As he passed, he slowed down and did this double-take, with his neck craned around, obviously looking back at me. He said, "what the f***! What the f***," and kept on riding past us.

I have no idea what he was exclaiming about, and I don't think I'll ever find out, but it was one of the most interesting experiences I've had in quite a while.

signature sound

This weekend was another music weekend for me at church. I played in the cafe service all day on acoustic and electric guitars. It was so-so for me, since I didn't feel like I was playing well throughout the day. Part of it was that I didn't get enough sleep, another part was that I didn't feel quite right with God, another part (which might flow from some of the things I just mentioned) was that we didn't quite seem to 'gel' together as a team.

But, we did do some things right, and I got some good confidence boosters. One of the main encouragements I got was about my playing. We made our own little arrangement of 'take my life' during practice. When we were trying to make the song more dynamic, we were just jamming on it a bit and I came up with this little riff on guitar which we mixed with the two female vocals. It was this cool sounding little interlude at a couple places in the song and it made for a good arrangement. On of the other musicians who wasn't on a team this week asked me after the last service if I had come up with it since it sounded like something I'd do. So, I guess I have this signature sound, or at least an identifiable sound of my own, which is pretty cool. Oh yeah, he said it was 'beautiful'.

night listener

I just watched "Night Listener" today. It's a new independent film starring Robin Williams. I saw the commercials for it starting just this week. Hadn't heard anything about it until then, but I was excited since it looked like it'd be a new suspense movie from with him, and I liked "Insomnia" and "One Hour Photo".

Well, it wasn't what the trailers made it out to be. That's not to say it was a bad movie; I liked it. I'm just having a hard time rating it. It's not bad or even just ok, it's good. But it's not great. The story's different, not quite something that most moviegoers will be used to, with lots of little twists (at least for me) from guessing where it's going to go. It raises a few good things to think about, like (to be general so as not to destroy plot points) "what can we believe about our existence?" Maybe that was to vague, but I'm trying to say that the movie is thought provoking.

I liked it.