lost and found

I'm starting this book called "Knowing God" by J.I. Packer. It's a great book, exciting, and making me want to get into it. This whole idea of knowing God more is just so attractive to me recently, partly because of this book. I've never been disinterested in Christianity, but I've been "getting it" more and more as time goes by, and "it" is relationship with God. So, recently, my desire has just been to know Him more and more, to get into His Word, to pray and develop this relationship, this friendship with Him.

Anyway, one day I couldn't find the book. I looked everywhere for it, within reason. I looked all throughout my room, in places near my bed where I put books when I read there, in the other room where I read on the couch, in my car, in my various bookbags, even in the bathroom. No luck. I searched a second time in all of the same places, and still no luck. I started to get a bit frustrated, wondering what on earth could have happened to it. I finally got one last idea. The next time I went to work, I looked where I put books. Sure enough, there was the book with my notebook, right where I had left them when I read it on break. I felt so relieved, I even laughed at myself.

It made me think of Jesus' parable about the man searching for something he lost (I can't remember what the item was). But he set everything aside until he found it. I got a glimpse of this, because books are for me are one of the most valuable things. At first, I only casually looked for the book, but as I realized it wasn't to be found, I devoted more and more to it.

Do I pursue God in this way? Do I try to seek for the Kingdom with as much fervor as I did this book? I don't think I do, and it makes me want to change. But I am changing, and God is letting me see things that are happening "behind the curtain" a bit. It's cool, and I'm so thankful for it.

confessions of a (former?) sugar addict

The other night I was driving home and stopped by the grocery store. I was planning on getting something sweet, but stopped to pick up some other things first (fruit, juice, bread, etc.). When I got to the candy, which I wanted, I just couldn't get it. I got this flavor in my mouth like when I've had sugar, and it just didn't taste good. Not the initial flavor, but the bad aftertaste. It's not like I've not had sweets since my sugar fast, but for some reason this time I just couldn't do it. I even tried a second time after getting another normal thing. I don't know.

Shortly before my sugar fast, I decided that I'd been having too much soda. I figured it out when I realized that I didn't even want to taste of the soda, I had it just because they served it in the restaurants. I would take the straw and put it in the back of my mouth so that the soda would just shoot down my throat without tasting it. Yeah. I don't really drink soda anymore unless it's something special.

pah-toe bee-dee

fish

I went last night to visit a friend who I don't get to see very often. We originally were going to play some disc-golf, but he wasn't up to it, so we just visited and made some supper. For supper, we walked down to the grocery store to get some fish, something neither had made at home before. We ended up selecting some fresh catfish and a Vidalia onion to cook up on the side. On the walk back, it started to rain, but we just decided to brave it, so we got wet for a mile. I knew we were going to be making fish, so I had asked my chef friend (he's not working currently as a chef, but that makes him no less of one) how to do it. I was prepared. I fried up the fish in some olive oil as per the instructions, as well as the onions. It was a tasty treat. I think I'll be making fish more often.

...early to rise

This morning it happened to me again: I got up before my alarm clock. Normally, when it happens, I'll get up one or two minutes before the clock goes off, but this time I got up fifteen minutes before. I'm pretty tired, but I'm up and ready to go.

holiness

Tonight at Access we talked about holiness. I guess I should be more specific and say "God's holiness", but I don't think many will get confused.

The talk started out with a lot of scripture, but the points which stuck out to me were a bit to think on. First, he talked about he thinks holiness is God's central attribute. When everything is boiled down to it's own essence, God's is holiness. I'm not sure if that's right, but it sounds good for now. At least we know holiness is very important to the character of God. He used the example of the angels around the throne saying "holy, holy, holy." Not any other attribute.

He went on to talk about how God is so holy that we can't help but eat dirt in his presence. He talked specifically about how it wasn't like someone going in to see Daddy and sit on His lap, but how it would be impossible, as seen in many places in Scripture, for us to stand in His presence. This made me think, "what about treating Him as a Friend?" When I try to pray to Him as I would talk with a close friend, am I doing it wrong? Am I supposed petition Him or make statements and presentations to Him as I would a king? I'm not quite sure what to do with this, or if I've been doing things wrong. I just want to know Him better. It made me think about Grace, too. If God is so holy, sitting on His throne, what hope do I have to come before Him at all if there's not Grace. Does this Grace make it so I can approach Him like a friend? What exactly does Hebrews allow for? Is it ok for me to talk to God the way I do?

I'm falling asleep at the keyboard, so I'm going to call it a night.

music week

This week I'm going to be doing music a lot. I've got practices on Tuesday and Wednesday, and the actual performances on Thursday and Sunday (I almost said preformances). That's more than half the week, in terms of free-time activities. Other nights are getting booked up, too. It's not bad, though, since I love playing, and two of the nights are bass, and the other two are guitar. Sometimes I just wish they went better. Also, I'm missing my girlfriend this week since playing so much means not seeing her. I do get to see her tomorrow, though. I can't wait.

hippie hair

The other night after music practice, I went over to Starbucks to get some reading done. When I went up to order my tea, (I know, it's blasphemy to order tea at a Starbucks, isn't it) the woman at the register made some sort of comment about my being happy to see her, and something about my blushing. Well, my cheeks are always red, as you might be able to see in my profile, so I told her that. Then she said something about liking my 'hippie hair'. I think I was being flirted with, but it's not always easy for me to tell that kind of thing.

blogger code

I just looked up 'blogger' on google and found this:

B5 d- t- k s u-- f- i- o++ x-- e l- c+

I guess to be more precise, I found the page that generates this code. That's my blogger code.

burning streets

The other night, I was coming back home from downtown and came up to a traffic light. I was going to turn, but the street I was on, farther along past the intersection, looked like it was burning. There were buildings on either side, and trees too, and the road crested at a hill, beyond which I couldn't see anything except for a haze in the sky and a bright orange glow. It was far too bright for a street light, so I thought of course that it was a fire. As I turned, I saw this huge glowing orange thing just above the crest of the hill and realized it was the moon. It was such a perfect picture opportunity, but I didn't have any camera with me, so I just had to try to enjoy it at the next couple of intersections. So cool.

jealous musician?

Sometimes I get to be jealous as a musician. I mean, I see what other people are doing, and think, "why can't I be more like that," or, "I could do that; that person's not all that good." But I'm not willing to put in the time necessary to practice like I want to. And when I do practice, I don't spend the time learning the stuff that those people know, even the I know I could learn much of it fairly quickly. I have an innate talent for music, but I'm not as responsible about it as I should be. I don't spend the time to develop it

The other thing I was realizing is that I'm too worried sometimes about pleasing other people. I mean, most of making it as a musician is pleasing other people, writing music that they'll like. But what I mean is, sometimes I get way too much into thinking, "if I could only play like this musician or that musician," or, "if I could only make a song like this one." Funny thing is, even when I think that way, I don't usually take the time to learn the song and try to figure out what it is that I like about it. But, I need to figure out what my own style is, because that's what will make me me. If I try to copy someone else, there's a chance some people will like it, but only for a bit. If I'm not doing anything original, then I will fade more quickly than the fad I'm trying to copy. But if I incorporate the elements I like, and the elements I think are good, then I stand a much better chance of being happy myself, but also of being long-lasting.

Basically, I need to not worry so much.

Word of God

I was thinking about the Bible this morning. For some reason, I always have trouble reading it. I don't mean that it's hard for me when I'm reading, but it's hard for me to get myself to read it very often. I'm so much more willing to read books about the Bible or about Christianity, but the Bible itself...

I also thought of how much I want to know God. Not about Him, but Him. And I have often prayed in the past to hear God, to be close to Him. Well, what about His Word? The Bible is God's Word to man, His revelation to us. Why do I want to have some direct revelation to myself when there's such a vast store in the Book which He gave us.

I'm sure it's my old nature, my Adam, that's keeping me from it. Because, as with other things, I know I've this great desire to do it, and at the same time something which keeps me from it. I'm sure this is what Paul was talking about when he said, "I do not do the good I want."

interesting

When I was in high school, I got teased by my friends for saying 'interesting' all the time. That was my interjection of choice I guess. If anyone would tell me some fact, I would respond with 'interesting'. In conversation, when I needed to say something to let people know I was listening, it would be 'interesting'. And now, I noticed on my audioblog from the other day, I was saying it quite a bit. How interesting.

depression

shoot!

I had this big post almost ready to go, and Mozilla crashed. Man. There wasn't even a draft version that saved here. I was looking forward to posting it, but no! Maybe tomorrow, but now it's late and Ben must sleep. Sleeeeeeeep.

666

alexandrian digital literature

I don't remember if I've linked this before, but there's this awesome website called AlexLit. It used to be a bigger website, but it's been pared down. They used to sell stories and I'm not sure what else. But, the coolest feature is still available: the recommender. You can go in there and start rating fiction you like, and as you rate more, it gives back better recommendations. This isn't like the recommender on Amazon, this actually works. I've found many books and stories that I like because of this. One thing I'm a bit disappointed about is that when it lists short stories, it doesn't tell where to find them. Oh well, a bit of research finds it for me. I usually start here since most of what I read is SF.

slooooww

Work has been so slow lately. Things just aren't very good there in terms of morale, work ethic, customer frequency. We even have some customers complaining about certain employees and how they act in the store. No good. I hope it changes soon.

first game of the season

three in a row

Today makes the third in a row where I've gotten up before my alarm. What's the deal with that? It's usually 10-20 minutes before, so I don't know exactly what's going on, but it was a good thing today; I didn't turn my alarm back on last night, so I wouldn't have even heard an alarm. Oh well.

anonymity revisited

I was thinking about my anonymity post a while back and so went back to read it again. I still have kept from putting specifics in this blog, although I think I have made a few things clearer. The main reason for this, though, is to say something about my girlfriend. I don't really refer to her that way in real life, and in fact I'm uncomfortable with it. I know some people have issues with the 'my' because they infer possession when it's used that way. I don't intend it that way. Some people object to the term 'girlfriend' because so few people use it in the same way; it means so many different things. Or they don't like it because it's not personal. I don't think the first point is that big of a deal, and actually, I am using it to be impersonal. In the real world I don't like it for that very fact, but here I don't want anyone prying around who shouldn't be. All the people who need to know will know already, anyway.

homosexuality...or how to be more like Jesus

I was reading more in the What's So Amazing About Grace? book by Philip Yancey today, getting my reading done for next week, and two of the three chapters really affected me. The first one almost had me in tears. It talked about how most Christians treat homosexuals and made me think about myself in that light. The most vocal "Christians", it seems, are the ones who speak out against gays, usually encouraging hate against them, talking about how they should go to hell or something like that. What they don't realize is that if they are going to preach that, they need to preach the same thing for themselves when they lie, hate, lust, etc.. But the rest of us aren't really doing anything about it. We aren't trying to show Christ's love to the extent that it's been shown us, it seems. We aren't trying to reach out to these people that have been shunned and hated for the church. I'm guilty of that. I try to treat them the same, when I can even tell that they're different, but I'm still uncomfortable. Even in this post I'm saying "them" quite a bit, alienating them from myself. It's us. We're all sinners. I can stand up for what's right and still love others. If I can't, then I have to hate everyone.