singing

This past weekend I sang at church for the first time in quite a while. I normally end up playing bass at church, and not singing with that, although I would like to. This time, however, they had me on acoustic and singing. It was lots of fun, but I had some problems, it felt, getting things together completely with guitar rhythms and voice. I was also feeling that my breath support wasn't quite there. Of course, when I talked with a couple people about it, they said it sounded good. I don't know if I'm just a harsher critic, or if people just try to be polite. It has always bugged me how people aren't willing to give honest criticism to even a friend. Anyway, the sound guy made a recording of the service and is going to send me a cd. With that, I'll be able to listen to my voice and find out some things to work on.

You know, I think I'm a bit too hard in my statement about people not wanting to give criticism. I think it's more likely that other people are just enjoying the music, or the other musicians on stage are just thinking about their own playing. This is probably why people just say, "it sounded good."

run away, again

I know I'm talking about this a lot, but my mind wasn't letting me fall asleep last night as it was going over this all again. So here's another bit of insight about running away that's particular to me.

Because of how I've lived and where I've lived, I've always been able to borrow money from family when I need it. And since the rest of my family is doing ok, it's never been a problem. I've managed to work on financial responsibility somewhat by making myself not ask my family for help, but it still is slow. If I were to move away to where I knew absolutely no one, then I would be forced to get along by myself.

I guess it seems like a number of things would just be easier away from anyone I know. And when I came back, given a sufficient amount of time, people would accept the changes in me. Maybe I want to try to "be my own person." I don't know.

Ok, I keep on adding to this topic, so this time I'm just going to edit this post. I was thinking some more about how other people force me, or anyone, into their view of them. I think that this is maybe what Jesus was getting at when He said that a prophet will not be accepted in his own town. The people at home think they know a person well, since they grew up with them, and so they will always hold them to that view of the person, not of what they have become.

mind reading

Sometimes, I find myself thinking inappropriate things about people. Sometimes rude, or critical, or just mean. So I've set up this little mind game to help myself to keep from thinking these things; I pretend the other people can read my mind. For example, say someone is not acting very kind to me or other people at work, and I'll start thinking about how they should be more kind to other people, or thinking that they're stupid. Then the mind-reading thing kicks in, and I find myself thinking of reasons why they might be acting the way they are that aren't quite so extreme. Like maybe they just had a bad day, or they just need somebody to be kind to them. Maybe that isn't it, but it's a good way to look at it, and it helps me improve my mind.

run away, part 2

Last weekend I got the feeling again that I wanted to leave, so I told a couple of people about it. It seems that people just don't understand the feeling, because they say that I need a vacation. That's not it. What the desire is is not for a break, but for something different.

Having people misunderstand me made me think more about this feeling, and analyze it. Some of the conclusions I came to were a bit disturbing, I think. For example, whoever you are, if you know me at all, then you hold me back from changing. You see, if I try to change, then you will most likely reject that change because you have already made an image of me in your head. Anything that doesn't fit with that image, or work into that image, you will most likely reject. So when I'm trying to change something about myself that I don't think is right, it is most likely fundamental, and you will most likely reject it. But, if I run away to somewhere else where nobody knows me, then I can, if I have the will, become immediately what I want to be. And so that is where the appeal comes from to run away.

audioblogger and sickness

sergeant chip

I just read one of the best, if not the best, story I've ever read. Last night I picked up the newly released "Years Best SF10" at the bookstore, and started to read the first story over supper. It was excellent. I've not read anything by Bradley Denton before, but if this story is a good example of his writing, then I need to read it all. "Sergeant Chip" is written from the perspective of a military dog, and is his account of a particular series of events. The thing that gets me so much about the story is how he deals with loyalty and responsibility. I have to say that I was moved by the story more than just about anything else. If you can read it before they take it down, follow the link above and read it. It's on the ballot for the Hugos.